Slice of Life

I can’t make more thoughts of you out of my poor, impaired judgment. Over the past week, I have considered myself to be even more lost in this tangled situation. I’m struggling even greater than before. After that night, I kept on asking myself if everything I said was true; that none of those were merely playfully created by me. I believe that if those were said truly, then I would have felt more at ease with myself. Thus, what I feel right now just proves that I am still having doubts about the matter. Is it even possible to doubt what you have doubted for so long?

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02:43;07.12.09

I've found myself something I never wanted: another freakin' distraction. This matter, though completely complicated, excites me each morning I wake up and occupies my mind the whole fuckin' day until I sleep. Not for so long ago I had felt the same way and I still remember the time I told myself to stop acting so foolishly and to never feel the same way again.

But how am I end this stuff? I mean, it's the reason why each morning I look forward to start my day and why I keep a bright face despite all of the problems I have yet to solve. Well, the only problem here is that I tend to focus less on my thesis because I have this person that constantly occupies my mind. Yes, it's true. It's a distraction. But how am I to forget that face, that smile, and that freaking song that resounds undying in my head?

I know, like any other, this will surely fade but somewhere inside me wants to keep it longer. I want the keep the fire burning until such time I realize that all I have is nothing but a fantasy in mind. For before this came to me, I have long lost the game. As to why, I can't tell you. It's just a matter of TRUTH and REALITY.

I can never win a fight that, in the first place, will never even begin.
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01:43;06.21.09

 

 

 

Will I be convicted by any living man if I would express myself truly? Or should I just end up letting my heart burst into pieces for containing my happiness for so long? I surely do let myself have some devilish little laughs in times of nearly breaching my limits but for how long will I keep it to myself? With those childish, sinful grins I have breathed my heart little by little but never had been any chance I expressed myself more. I know demanding for more would mean opening up with no pretense to the world. It sure does sound appealing yet I dread other people’s remarks afterwards. Better still keep my own insanity hidden to the unappreciative world I was born into.

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22:42;05.17.09

We can never have everything we want in our life. The truth is there are times we need to lie to ourselves that we’re happy and contented to what we are at the moment even if it’s not how we want it to be. Sometimes, we have to sacrifice our own happiness for the sake of our loved ones. It may be painful, but doing so gives meaning to our own existence. Maybe, some of us were just not meant to have joyful endings. At the end, we’ll just have to admit to ourselves that all those years we lived were simply the fruit of our unselfish lie.

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14:26;05.14.09

I came from Manila after a week stay with my newly found relatives there to attend my sister's graceful exit from medical school. It was quite frustrating since I dream of graduating from medical school myself but I failed to convince my mom to send me off to med school. My stay there was so tiresome, me and my mom kept on arguing about where to send me after I graduate in college. And my sister won't stop pushing me to attend her grad and had always sided with my mom that I should go to law school. Even my cousin, Ara, won't agree with me that I'd do better if I go med school. They all just laughed at me. Urgh!

I can't help but to envy my sister. Especially, after the commencement exercise, they kept on addressing her as,"Doctora" or "Dr. Mendoza". Don't get me wrong, I am truly delighted that she finally graduated from med school. Imagine how it feels to have a doctor as a sister? Haha!

Anyway, it was still fun being there and being with my other relatives including the nice, comfy accommodation. Thank you so much to Kuya Nerio, Ate Elsa and the others for the warm welcome. I sooo love the non-stop eating. Hehe. [my tummy got bigger that my pants won't fit now...] Well, one more thing that made me glad I went to attend my sister's grad, I finally got myself a laptop. See? I should be happy. lol

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Oh, by the way, my mom now made her final decision. I'm going to law school. Damn.

Today, I sat in my room, asked myself, “What the heck am I supposed to do?” In this dusty old room I wept, confused on what it is that makes me stay. “To be or not to be”, I asked some more. What has gone to the other half of me that would stay delighted and bright despite all the quizzical, unforgiving moments of life? I am left here with not a single reason to fight.

Today, I said to myself, “It is for the people who strive hardest that achieves the best in life and not for those who only sit still waiting for some graces to arrive”. My mind got wandering through the possible outcomes I may have but right before I was able to choose, they all escaped into thin air. Again, I talked to myself, “How are those freaking dreams going to be possible when all you can do is sit here and stay idle? Do you think it’ll just one day come and hit you off this chair? You’re no good. You know you’re capable of doing things and yet you choose to be lazy at every chance you have. Maybe you’ll end up being nothing”. Wow. I pity myself again for the nth time.

Today, I asked, “What if there’s no difference between achieving something in life and merely surviving life? What if you choose to live simply, not wanting more of the material things this society has to offer, will it be okay?” I said this because I know myself well enough. I know that whatever I do, I’ll just end up regretting everything I’ve started because in the end, none of them will be finished. I always quit.

Today, I thought hard enough for me to write them down in words. “Maybe, if I wasn’t aware of the better things that exist in the world, I’d never have dreamt having them for myself. Maybe if I never known the importance of money and the things that go with it in this kind of society, then, I would have been satisfied and stay contented living a simple life back in some old, little town far from the busy cities. I would have been happy long ago”.

Today, I had a little chat with myself. I may not be feeling fine but I ain’t crazy, dear. I thought it would somehow clear out my mind so I can finally start taking things more seriously, but I guess it didn’t work. Urgh! I am left hanging more confused than before. Tsk.

I wonder why im so envious on her. Well, it's probably because she gets what she wants and maybe because she's living the life I can only dream of. I can't be blamed for pitying myself more each time I see her. She makes me realize how far/how different we are from each other and how an apple like me fell so far from the tree. It's no wonder why most of the time I call myself a loser; how am I to compete with her? It's just hopeless.

Even when we were little, she had already established that bar, which separated the two of us. It was her who had more talents, although I practically developed my own in other fields, still I was left way behind her. I envied her ever since. Then, unknowingly, I was already dreaming to live her life.

But now, it's different. I have grown already. I now know what I want in life and what I want for myself. Is it just too hard to believe that I have also chosen to take the same field of study as hers? That for no known reason, I desperately want to be a DOCTOR?! fc*k


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Out of boredom and my impossible dream.

Summer has officially started in my calendar. Damn!

I'm terribly suffering from my past loads I have yet to finish. I wish to go home and enjoy the summer's heat but I guess I'm stuck here in Tacloban to drown in schoolworks. Although I plan to take a trip tomorrow to Borongan, it seems that it's going to be a short vacation since I'll be back here after the Holy Week. Well, at least we're going to have a family reunion on Tuesday. I just hope it would be enough for me to forget about my happy summer. Huhu. Nanay's really been pushy about me graduating after the first semester [I just hope I would] that's why I have to work on my thesis this summer. [Sad] Anyway, I'll have allowance this summer. At least I have something to look forward to. Haha.

As to how my day went, hmm, I spent my whole day sleeping at the sofa. I was supposed to go to school but then I felt really tired from last night's drinking session as so I decided to stay at home. Anyway, I heard from a friend that there is a virus on the net today. He said it was an April Fool's Day bug. His computer got infected and so he was left with no choice but to reformat it. Haha. Cool.

I feel sleepy already. Gotta rest now. I'll be back after the Holy Week.

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The Fools

Dear YOU,

For the past months I have endowed myself to cruelest things you have bestowed upon me. Through all the things I have experienced, I had now opened my eyes to the reality I was facing. My deepest and purest apology I offered before simply was not enough for you to forgive me. I simply cannot ignore the months or years I have devoted on straightening out things for us. Consequently, I became tired of running after you and your indestructible pride. If only you considered the efforts I had expressed, this could have already ended. We would not be experiencing this awkwardness between the two of us and everything could have just flowed smoothly thereafter. If only...

Now, I guess, I should move on and just let things be the way they are right now. Goodbye.

Issa


p.s.
I am deeply sorry.
[ if only i can find a less cliche word for sorry, i'd use it.]

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unpublished

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Drifting again to a delusional fantasy.

It's the people's undying judgment that kills the beauty of freedom and yet without it, life's pretty much boring.

If we all can do the things we wanna do freely and be happy to the fullest extent of our hearts, how can we then be satisfied by what we have? How can we be able to appreciate the wonderful moments we have in our lives if we can all just go out there and find it? And how'd you think we'll be able to realize how fortunate we are for experiencing such thing? I guess, we owe much to those big-mouthed neighbors we have. Thanks to their non-stop, biased scrutinizing we are able to find happiness. To me, what they do just spices life more and the more they treat you like shit, the more you're driven to do better. I guess it's the challenge to defeat other people's negative claims that excites you more.

It is so damn hot today and my room's like a freakin oven over a hundred degrees. Urgh. I can't sleep!

Well, hello SUMMER!
Hello to the blazing heat of the sun's rays and the inviting cold waters in the sea.
Pitang's so excited that she already bought a new pair of bikini. She said she can't wait until the end of the semester. Hehe
Although, I'm also excited to feel the summer's fun, I just can't help but to think about the up coming graduation. The whole thing's complicated. I seem to pity myself for not being able to do my thesis and not going to graduate together with my friends. I don't know what to do or how I'd spend my summer break. I wish to go to Manila on the 30th of April so I can miss UP's graduation and have a better reason of not being able to attend just because I don't want to end up hating and pitying myself more. Anyway, it's the same day of my sister's graduation and so I can just attend her's not mine. lol.

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Err..I just checked my Facebook account and Pitang just tagged me on one of her notes. Here:
Wow! Haha. The post was just some kind of a game. You're supposed to answer some questions and write the answer on the paragraph provided. Sadly, my name popped into pitang's mind. Poor me.

Psychology 10 class...

Reporter: Defense mechanism is the what people do when faced with certain problems, consciously or unconsciously. These responses are of three forms...[goes on with the topic]... The defense mechanisms are further categorized into different kinds. Fantasy, nomadism, regression, repression, reaction formation, displaced aggression,...

[while discussing examples for each kind of DM]

Reporter: For example, I have a crush on Luisa Kaye.

Class: Woooohh!! Uyyyy!!

[he then repeated his statement]

Reporter: Kung sakaling mahal..ayy crush ko si Luisa Kaye,..

Class: (louder) Uyyyy!!! Uyyyy!! Hahaha...

Reporter: I will deny it by acting as if I don't like her. I wont treat her good as if I hate her. That's the example of reaction formation.

[The class just laughed louder.]

[The whole class won't stop laughing cause the way he said it, it was as if it's true and he was confessing his feelings in front of everybody.;P]
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Luisa Kaye was just sitting at the back, laughing. Hehe.

Has this nose-clogging colds blocked my willingness to focus most effectively on the things I do? Well, for the past 5 days I've been feeling sick coupled by losing all my interest in studying any material given to me [not that I usually have this urge to study]. I have three exams this week and every time I look at my notes, I feel distantly occupied like I just lost my proper consciousness.

My brain's not functioning rightly as if it's infected with a certain virus or bacteria messing up all mental activities. Like when I'm talking, I just stop somewhere in the middle and realize I can't remember what I was trying to point out. It's like I'm having some blackouts only that I'm not. I don't know what happened to me. My symptoms just started appearing right after I got sick. What am I to do? I desperately need help. asap.

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My health is now starting to deteriorate.

I don't know exactly what to post on right now. I just opened a new window for a new post then I started writing. I'm afraid I lost almost three quarters of my day only doing unimportant stuffs. I feel so depressed having to receive my grades for the first semester in my fourth year of college. You see, our grades are seen through the internet and I've been waiting to see it since Monday. For that reason, I always check on the website every two hours just to know if one of my professors had submitted our grade already.

Past three this afternoon, I turned on my computer and typed in the U.P. website. Unfortunately, I was baffled by what I saw on the column for my academic status, it said, "DISMISSAL". Next to it, I saw my tentative GWA, which was 3.5. God knows were to pick me up if I'm totally dismissed in my degree program. As I opened the details on my current grades, I saw that there were only two grades, one for my Seminar subject and the other one for my Technical Writing subject. I got 2.0 and 4.0, respectively. I don't know what to do next so I went off straight to the bathroom and took a bath. After a short, non-refreshing, bath, I went back to my room to change but while I was changing, I checked on the website one more time. There I saw that my GWA increased so do the status became a "WARNING".

I still feel depressed and down. Now, I totally find myself lost to my exhausting, untollerably crazy life. Things, right now, are messed up and I can't find a way to fix them. Many questions run through my mind such as: When will I go home? What should I do? What's the best thing to do? How should I spend my break with greatest benefits? Should I just stop and accept defeat? Will I still be able to graduate on time?... I believe there are alot more questions - all I want to be answered. I just hope it wouldn't be too late then.


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la, la, la,...life used to be so hard...[it still is] --> a song by Phantom Planet